No one ever plans to be an ED sufferer. You do not wake up the following day and tell yourself, “Well, I think it is time for me to become an anorexic.” I barely knew what eating disorders were when I was eight years old. Never in my life did I expect to suffer from such disorder, even when I did suffer, I did not know that my behaviours were symptoms of an ED.
There are many misconceptions about eating disorders. A lot of people think of an ED as a lifestyle choice, they barely know that they are complex, biologically-mediated illnesses with very dangerous consequences. Psychological disorders are as deadly as physical disorders, but anyway, I blame the lack of education for that.
Some might wonder what goes through an eating disordered mind. Without triggering anyone I am going to share some of my personal experiences along with thoughts and research.
I struggled with anorexia and bulimia myself. They are both horrible and lethal diseases. They both destroy you physically and control your thoughts every second of your day.
These disorders give you a sense of self-control, power and identity, until you end up fainting or can barely move. The sufferer starts obsessing about food and tries to control one’s food intake. Food loses its importance in one’s life. Starvation or purging gives the anorexic or bulimic a sense of “high”, the same “high” which alcohol provides to an alcoholic. Skipping meals or exercising to the point of feeling as if I am going to pass out or have a heart attack, “numbed” my negative emotions and made me feel better about myself.
ED sufferers suffer from self-esteem issues. Such issues might have been the product of childhood experiences or other life issues such as; bullying, marital issues, financial instability, academic “failure”, social class and media influence. Low self-esteem ignites a sense of fear. Many anorexics/bulimics/compulsive-eaters, end up fearing people. They fear being stared at, judged, being considered a failure or stupid and therefore end up avoiding any social activities as they fear that they are not enough. They detach themselves from the rest of the world and would spend more time on their own, lonely and lost. This leads them to develop feelings of anxiety, remorse, and depression and continue to improve their ED skills as a means of relief.
When the sufferers do not achieve their “ideal”, they experience a sense of guilt, worthlessness, lack of power and end up depressed. Depression worsens the condition of the eating disorder. Mood swings kick in, anxiety and panic attacks along with claustrophobia make it impossible for the sufferer to even get out of one’s room. One may even start experiencing periods of self-harm and/or suicidal thoughts and behaviour.
Academic life for student-sufferers is a burden to their condition. I had always been an “A” grade student until my ED completely ruled my entire life. My second year at sixth form was the worst academic year of my life. I isolated myself from the rest of my friends, skipped lessons as I used to be extremely tired, weekends were dedicated to stress-relief partying (until I decided to not even dare to go out of my house), spent infinite hours working out with barely refueling myself and whenever I tried to study, I would end up sleeping instead.
All this continued until my body could not keep up with the damage being caused. This is the point at which many anorexics and bulimics end up hospitalised or sent to a rehab centre. At this point, sufferers start experience hair loss, scatter-brain, cardiac and blood pressure problems, loss of menstruation, extreme fatigue, joint and muscle pain and they even start dreaming about food. I remember that at this point, I was so extremely under-weight that my ten-year old niece was able to carry me around without problems, while I screamed that I was not thin enough yet.
After twelve years of ED burden and nearly two years of suffering from a full-blown ED, I resorted to therapy a few months ago. I can assure you that it is one of the best decisions I have made in my entire life. If you or someone you know is suffering from an ED, depression, or any other disorder which is affecting their daily life, encourage them to seek help. At first therapy will seem impossible and WILL be hard especially when you lack a very strong support system, but as time goes by and you start noticing improvement both physically and psychologically, you will not want to go back. You WILL HAVE days were you lapse or re-lapse as old habits die hard. I relapsed a lot before a few weeks ago, I truly decided to devote my energy towards recovery. Now that I am settling down and had started working on reconstructing my life again, I look back and am very proud of myself for overcoming a lot of difficult hurdles. So, if you are going through any difficult period in your life, be it ED, depression, loss of a loved one, bad grades, new career path, all I want to tell you is that life will get better no matter how negative you feel about your current situation. What does not kill you will only make you stronger.
_________________________________________________________
There are many misconceptions about eating disorders. A lot of people think of an ED as a lifestyle choice, they barely know that they are complex, biologically-mediated illnesses with very dangerous consequences. Psychological disorders are as deadly as physical disorders, but anyway, I blame the lack of education for that.
Some might wonder what goes through an eating disordered mind. Without triggering anyone I am going to share some of my personal experiences along with thoughts and research.
I struggled with anorexia and bulimia myself. They are both horrible and lethal diseases. They both destroy you physically and control your thoughts every second of your day.
These disorders give you a sense of self-control, power and identity, until you end up fainting or can barely move. The sufferer starts obsessing about food and tries to control one’s food intake. Food loses its importance in one’s life. Starvation or purging gives the anorexic or bulimic a sense of “high”, the same “high” which alcohol provides to an alcoholic. Skipping meals or exercising to the point of feeling as if I am going to pass out or have a heart attack, “numbed” my negative emotions and made me feel better about myself.
ED sufferers suffer from self-esteem issues. Such issues might have been the product of childhood experiences or other life issues such as; bullying, marital issues, financial instability, academic “failure”, social class and media influence. Low self-esteem ignites a sense of fear. Many anorexics/bulimics/compulsive-eaters, end up fearing people. They fear being stared at, judged, being considered a failure or stupid and therefore end up avoiding any social activities as they fear that they are not enough. They detach themselves from the rest of the world and would spend more time on their own, lonely and lost. This leads them to develop feelings of anxiety, remorse, and depression and continue to improve their ED skills as a means of relief.
When the sufferers do not achieve their “ideal”, they experience a sense of guilt, worthlessness, lack of power and end up depressed. Depression worsens the condition of the eating disorder. Mood swings kick in, anxiety and panic attacks along with claustrophobia make it impossible for the sufferer to even get out of one’s room. One may even start experiencing periods of self-harm and/or suicidal thoughts and behaviour.
Academic life for student-sufferers is a burden to their condition. I had always been an “A” grade student until my ED completely ruled my entire life. My second year at sixth form was the worst academic year of my life. I isolated myself from the rest of my friends, skipped lessons as I used to be extremely tired, weekends were dedicated to stress-relief partying (until I decided to not even dare to go out of my house), spent infinite hours working out with barely refueling myself and whenever I tried to study, I would end up sleeping instead.
All this continued until my body could not keep up with the damage being caused. This is the point at which many anorexics and bulimics end up hospitalised or sent to a rehab centre. At this point, sufferers start experience hair loss, scatter-brain, cardiac and blood pressure problems, loss of menstruation, extreme fatigue, joint and muscle pain and they even start dreaming about food. I remember that at this point, I was so extremely under-weight that my ten-year old niece was able to carry me around without problems, while I screamed that I was not thin enough yet.
After twelve years of ED burden and nearly two years of suffering from a full-blown ED, I resorted to therapy a few months ago. I can assure you that it is one of the best decisions I have made in my entire life. If you or someone you know is suffering from an ED, depression, or any other disorder which is affecting their daily life, encourage them to seek help. At first therapy will seem impossible and WILL be hard especially when you lack a very strong support system, but as time goes by and you start noticing improvement both physically and psychologically, you will not want to go back. You WILL HAVE days were you lapse or re-lapse as old habits die hard. I relapsed a lot before a few weeks ago, I truly decided to devote my energy towards recovery. Now that I am settling down and had started working on reconstructing my life again, I look back and am very proud of myself for overcoming a lot of difficult hurdles. So, if you are going through any difficult period in your life, be it ED, depression, loss of a loved one, bad grades, new career path, all I want to tell you is that life will get better no matter how negative you feel about your current situation. What does not kill you will only make you stronger.
_________________________________________________________