In order to keep up with the Eating Disorders Awareness Week’s celebrations, two ED survivors offered to share their successful recovery stories on my blog.
On February 1st, 22 year-old Tracy Gilbertson, sent me this lovely letter. She talks about the happiness and positive aspects which her recovery journey brought about and how her eating disorder took away her lively personality.
February 1, 2014
Hello friend,
My name is Tracy. I will be turning 22 years old on Wednesday! I am both happy and upset about this, but maybe that’s part of growing up. I never knew what an ED was growing up, but mine started in 8th grade (so I was 15 or 16 years old). I often wish I would have because after some time, I lost sight of who Tracy is. Whomever you are, where ever you are reading this, a few of the most important things I have learned in recovery include the facts not the fears I have or have had in the past. I have learned that I am loved, happiness is in the heart and I can and will pursue my dreams. Something that I often forget as I recover is that beauty is everywhere, we don’t always see it. One might say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I know that has not always been true for me. I think I will end this condensed story with a quote at the end, my sister recently texted me this, “Life is like a piano. White keys are happy moments & black keys are sad moments. But remember both keys played together make sweet music.”
Stay positive
Live in the moment
You are loved.
You will do great things.
On February 1st, 22 year-old Tracy Gilbertson, sent me this lovely letter. She talks about the happiness and positive aspects which her recovery journey brought about and how her eating disorder took away her lively personality.
February 1, 2014
Hello friend,
My name is Tracy. I will be turning 22 years old on Wednesday! I am both happy and upset about this, but maybe that’s part of growing up. I never knew what an ED was growing up, but mine started in 8th grade (so I was 15 or 16 years old). I often wish I would have because after some time, I lost sight of who Tracy is. Whomever you are, where ever you are reading this, a few of the most important things I have learned in recovery include the facts not the fears I have or have had in the past. I have learned that I am loved, happiness is in the heart and I can and will pursue my dreams. Something that I often forget as I recover is that beauty is everywhere, we don’t always see it. One might say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I know that has not always been true for me. I think I will end this condensed story with a quote at the end, my sister recently texted me this, “Life is like a piano. White keys are happy moments & black keys are sad moments. But remember both keys played together make sweet music.”
Stay positive
Live in the moment
You are loved.
You will do great things.
Debra McLain talks in depth about her long time struggle with anorexia, bulimia and binge-eating disorder and how her destructive behaviour left her feeling worthless. She started believing in herself and put a lot of effort and hard work in order to overcome her struggles. As I already mentioned, if you feel that you get triggered easy by numbers and ED behaviour, please AVOID READING THIS SECTION. I am not against posting numbers as they show the real aspects of an eating disorders, yet I am in NO way in favour of letting numbers and ED habits control your life.
When I was 15 years old, I purchased a book through my high school’s reading club. This book changed my life and not in a good way. It was about a teenage girl who made herself throw up after eating meals. Within one day of finishing the book, I tried vomiting for the first time. A month later, I was vomiting after every dinner. 6 months later, I had given up eating breakfast, drank a diet soda at lunch and threw up whatever I ate for dinner. I was a bulimic with anorexic behaviors.
Even though the book gave me the idea, it is not what caused me to have an eating disorder. I was a 15 year old girl who wanted her mother’s love and attention. My mom was on her 5th marriage and I was a depressed, angry teenager who needed something to control. I had no say in who I lived with, or where; but I could control what I ate or how much I weighed.
When I was 18, and a senior in high school, my mom’s husband decided to move us to Arizona. Within two days, we left my hometown and drove to Arizona. We moved into a tiny little trailer in the middle of the desert. My old high school had over two hundred kids in the senior class, the new school had twelve. I hated life more than ever. I stopped binging and purging and went into starvation mode.
By the time I reached my 20's, my eating disorder had spiraled out of control. I was vomiting up to twenty times a day; whether it was a baby carrot, or a 3000 calorie binge, the guilt was the same. I had to get the food out of my body as soon as I swallowed it.
When I was in my anorexic phases, I thought about food 24 hours a day, but nothing made me cheat. I cooked meals for my children, went to birthday parties and holiday meals with Slimfast in hand. In my mind, starving was healthier then binging/purging, and I was extremely proud of my willpower.
When I look back through my journals, I see a definite pattern with my behavior. If I was happy and in love, I ate normally. When I was depressed or suffering through a break-up, I binged, purged or starved. During my 20's and 30's, there is not even one time where I handled a break-up without punishing myself.
After one break-up, I went six months eating nothing but a 100 calorie yogurt and a Slimfast every day. I went from a size 14 to a size 8. People thought I was either on drugs or had cancer. In my diseased mind, I thought a question about my health was a compliment. It meant I was in total control and no one could tell me what to do.
When I was 43, my brother died of a heart attack. He was only 45 years old and it hit me extremely hard. I restricted for a few months, and lost quite a bit of weight. Eighteen months later, my dad died too. He had a brain tumor removed and I had to make to choice to remove him from life support. I felt like I was dead, but breathing. Going to work every day was a challenge. I was an empty shell who did not want to live any longer. My doctor put me on antidepressants. For the first time in my life I did not think about food during all my waking hours. I could care less what I weighed and soon hit 199 lbs, my highest weight ever. One day, I had a hard time getting out of the bathtub and it finally dawned on me that I was obese. One year after starting antidepressants, I decided to live again. I stopped taking medication and started walking a few times a week. Just being in the sunshine was enough to bring me back to life.
I started eating healthier and decided that depression and anger would no longer control my life. Meditating helped me find inner peace and joy. I now practice a life of gratitude; because when I am grateful, there is no room for negative thoughts or destructive behavior.
My eating disorder controlled my life for over 25 years, and there were times when I didn't believe I would ever be 'normal'. I will celebrate my 50th birthday in March, and I intend to live a long, happy life with my children and grandchildren. There are three little grand-girls who are going to look up to me when they are older. I will teach them to be confident and empowered. It took me long enough, but I can now look in the mirror and say "I am beautiful and I am worthy of love."
Written by Debra McLain February 2014
When I was 15 years old, I purchased a book through my high school’s reading club. This book changed my life and not in a good way. It was about a teenage girl who made herself throw up after eating meals. Within one day of finishing the book, I tried vomiting for the first time. A month later, I was vomiting after every dinner. 6 months later, I had given up eating breakfast, drank a diet soda at lunch and threw up whatever I ate for dinner. I was a bulimic with anorexic behaviors.
Even though the book gave me the idea, it is not what caused me to have an eating disorder. I was a 15 year old girl who wanted her mother’s love and attention. My mom was on her 5th marriage and I was a depressed, angry teenager who needed something to control. I had no say in who I lived with, or where; but I could control what I ate or how much I weighed.
When I was 18, and a senior in high school, my mom’s husband decided to move us to Arizona. Within two days, we left my hometown and drove to Arizona. We moved into a tiny little trailer in the middle of the desert. My old high school had over two hundred kids in the senior class, the new school had twelve. I hated life more than ever. I stopped binging and purging and went into starvation mode.
By the time I reached my 20's, my eating disorder had spiraled out of control. I was vomiting up to twenty times a day; whether it was a baby carrot, or a 3000 calorie binge, the guilt was the same. I had to get the food out of my body as soon as I swallowed it.
When I was in my anorexic phases, I thought about food 24 hours a day, but nothing made me cheat. I cooked meals for my children, went to birthday parties and holiday meals with Slimfast in hand. In my mind, starving was healthier then binging/purging, and I was extremely proud of my willpower.
When I look back through my journals, I see a definite pattern with my behavior. If I was happy and in love, I ate normally. When I was depressed or suffering through a break-up, I binged, purged or starved. During my 20's and 30's, there is not even one time where I handled a break-up without punishing myself.
After one break-up, I went six months eating nothing but a 100 calorie yogurt and a Slimfast every day. I went from a size 14 to a size 8. People thought I was either on drugs or had cancer. In my diseased mind, I thought a question about my health was a compliment. It meant I was in total control and no one could tell me what to do.
When I was 43, my brother died of a heart attack. He was only 45 years old and it hit me extremely hard. I restricted for a few months, and lost quite a bit of weight. Eighteen months later, my dad died too. He had a brain tumor removed and I had to make to choice to remove him from life support. I felt like I was dead, but breathing. Going to work every day was a challenge. I was an empty shell who did not want to live any longer. My doctor put me on antidepressants. For the first time in my life I did not think about food during all my waking hours. I could care less what I weighed and soon hit 199 lbs, my highest weight ever. One day, I had a hard time getting out of the bathtub and it finally dawned on me that I was obese. One year after starting antidepressants, I decided to live again. I stopped taking medication and started walking a few times a week. Just being in the sunshine was enough to bring me back to life.
I started eating healthier and decided that depression and anger would no longer control my life. Meditating helped me find inner peace and joy. I now practice a life of gratitude; because when I am grateful, there is no room for negative thoughts or destructive behavior.
My eating disorder controlled my life for over 25 years, and there were times when I didn't believe I would ever be 'normal'. I will celebrate my 50th birthday in March, and I intend to live a long, happy life with my children and grandchildren. There are three little grand-girls who are going to look up to me when they are older. I will teach them to be confident and empowered. It took me long enough, but I can now look in the mirror and say "I am beautiful and I am worthy of love."
Written by Debra McLain February 2014
I really would like to thank Tracy and Debra for having the courage to share their experiences. They are both strong recovery warriors and I am sure that they are people who can be looked up to. I wish them the best of life. :)
In the meantime, do not be afraid to seek help. The earlier, the better. The longer you live with an eating disorder, the harder it is to break the cycle. Recovery is a long journey with a beautiful outcome which guarantees freedom, self-love and piece of mind.
________________________________________
In the meantime, do not be afraid to seek help. The earlier, the better. The longer you live with an eating disorder, the harder it is to break the cycle. Recovery is a long journey with a beautiful outcome which guarantees freedom, self-love and piece of mind.
________________________________________